Tonight a friend of mine shared that she hopes that someday, she’ll be able to give names to all her feelings.
After 30 years of burying most of mine, I share her sentiment.
Continuing with the theme of “fearlessness,” my pseudo New Year’s resolution, I suppose that it wouldn’t hurt me to step outside of my emotional comfort zone from time to time. What’s easy for me and safe for me isn’t necessarily what’s best for me. I’ve spent almost all of my life, in almost every relationship of any kind, holding back. Holding back words to keep the peace, protect myself, or avoid hurting you. Holding back tears. Holding back thoughts and feelings for fear of you using them against me. Or for fear of you leaving me. Or of discovering who I really am. Ultimately holding back the truth of me.
I’m not sure when, but at some point over the past year or so, I started sharing a little more of myself with a few good people. For me, it comes down to trust. If I trust you, I will share all of me with you. If I don’t, you’re going to get what I want you to have. And for most of you, honestly, it isn’t much.
Lately I feel like life is presenting me with opportunities to learn how to trust. I would say “how to trust again,” but I don’t remember it being a part of my life before now. Trusting requires you to be worthy of my trust, and vice versa. It also requires a lot of letting go and letting God. Lately, it seems God’s putting people in my path who are worthy of my trust, and over the past year, He’s also taught me a lot about letting go and letting Him.
So this is to say thank you to those of you who I’ve decided to trust–you know who you are. You’ve given me names.