Throughout my life, all crucial moments and decision-making turning points have come down to one question: am I going to trust God or trust Bethany?
And I’ve mostly trusted Bethany.
She has been with me for nearly 31 years. She’s made some mistakes, sure, but she knows me inside and out. And she is tangible. She’s right here. No X factor. And she likes to be in control… so I’ve let her take the lead and make the moves.
In a sense, Bethany has been my Higher Power.
The past few years, that’s evolved for me. God has become God for me. By working a certain number of steps :), and applying them to real life, I’ve had repeated opportunities–in small things and large moments, too–to ask myself, “Are you going to trust God, or trust Bethany? Because it’s one or the other. But not both.” And I’ve become better and better at choosing to trust God.
The results of making that choice repeatedly have been interesting. Painful. exhilarating. Refreshing. Deeply satisfying.
What I didn’t expect is that by choosing to trust God rather than choosing to trust Bethany, I would grow up. A lot. And my conscience grew, too. The decision to make the right choice rather than make the “Bethany is in control and gets whatever she sets her mind to” choice has become more inherent. Not quite second nature yet–like I said, it’s evolving.
I never thought I’d say this, but it feels GOOD to choose what’s right rather than simply what I want.
And one more interesting turn of events as a result of choosing to trust God–I worry a lot less about outcomes. I fear nearly nothing. I believe that what’s meant to be will be, largely as a result of me doing absolutely nothing except taking whatever actions I believe to be right and then throwing up my hands, open palms, and accepting what comes next.
I can’t wait to see what happens next. It’s going to be amazing.