Looking up

I sat quietly, sipping coffee and staring into my cup, listening to stories of my friends I easily related to my own recent losses–divorce, death, financial problems. Love come and gone.

The difference in me now versus then (meaning Bethany a few years ago versus Bethany now) is that I would’ve kept dwelling on what was lost and how sad I felt rather than focusing on the beauty of what’s right in front of me. And let me tell you–I’m surrounded by it. Right now.

I really believe I have an amazing family. The kind you hate and sigh and roll your eyes about growing up. You wonder why your friends want to spend the night at YOUR house, of all places. And then, one day, you catch yourself crying as you wave goodbye to your parents as they pull out of your driveway and head home to their house. And you get it.

I know that while I have sound financial reasons for wanting to downsize and sell my house, I sort of love my house. I love walking up into those woods with my cats and not encountering another living breathing soul (besides the cats, of course). I love seeing every single star. I love the quiet. I love sitting on my porch with the lights out and watching the horses’ shadows across the street moving through the field. And sometimes seeing a herd of deer pass through the valley between my house and the neighbor’s house and stop and stare at me before moving on. I love having bonfires in my own yard and no one saying a word about it to me or even wanting to.

I love my job. I waited a long time for this one. Prayed a long time for this one. I work at a company with people who actually want to show up to work every day. The owner and my boss say things they stand by. Compared to other places I’ve worked, that’s quite amazing. Also, let me just say–ping-pong and blue jeans. Need I say more?

I also have amazing friends in my life–I’d call them angels. Blessings. Listeners. Encouragers. Right words at the right time. Supporters. Non-advice givers. Fun people. All kinds of people from all walks of life.

If that weren’t enough, there’s God. I told this amazing friend of mine the other night that me and God seem to have finished wrestling finally and are on better terms than maybe we’ve ever been right now. I understand that He loves me. I’m not feeling the need to fight anymore to go, do, be, change, or move. I am grateful to be alive.

With all of that in my life every day, and with my hope of adding to the beauty around me, I just simply don’t have time to stare down into my coffee cup and dwell on the sadness anymore.

I just don’t.

2 thoughts on “Looking up

  1. kristaben says:

    I wish I had your strength, your optimism. You are truly an inspiration to me. I would see you and think about what you were going through and think, wow, you would never tell if you didn’t already know what was going on in her life. Love you 🙂


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